Sunday, September 26

Inability To Spread Dengue - Suspected motive behind the recent honor killing amongst mosquitoes!

In what may be yet another suspected case of honor killing, the decomposed bodies of two mosquitoes, who eloped recently, have been found in a field in western U.P. The heads found severed, and though prima facie it appeared to be a case of honor killing, all angles are being looked into.

"It seems they were hit by some strong mosquito repellent spray or a coil. We suspect an honor killing and are recording the statements of their family members. We have also gathered some clues from the crime spot and very soon we will arrest the accused," Louie the Fly (Mortein ad antagonist), investigation officer of the case, said on Sunday.

Louie is adamant that the alleged motive is indeed the couple’s impotency a.k.a. inability to spread dengue/malaria in the streets of Delhi especially during the time of global star presence for the CWG. The 'Culicidae' family had dreams of exporting dengue globally at minimal costs by infecting all the foreign delegates, making them carriers. But the diffidence showed by the innocent couple may have forced the fraternity to cull them.

The victims identified as Houie, 22 (days), and Julia, 18 (days), were said to be in a relationship for the last 48-72 hours. An Odomos bottle was found lying near the bodies, and the exact cause of death would be known only after the autopsy report is received.

Meanwhile Louie has directed Good Knight, HIT, All Out, Mortein and other prominent mosquito killers not to leave the country, without prior permission of the court, till the investigation is completed.

Tuesday, September 21

Mahesh finds a new doubles partner in Lara...

After breaking up with long time partner Leander Paes and the Belarusian hunk Max Mirnyi, Mahesh Bhupathi has finally decided to settle for a Lara. Even though the not-so-straight-preferences of Mahesh & our scheme of plot, point directly to one Brian Lara, you got it all wrong, pal! This time it’s the ravishing former Miss Universe turned Bollywood damsel Lara Dutta. Bhupathi was claimed to be the apparent reason behind Lara dumping Dino Morea (a 'who'?). The lady has been held responsible for the divorce between Bhupathi and Shwetha Jaishankar (another 'who'?). The couple has of late given ample indications of their closeness, including hand-in-hand appearances at many award shows.

Then why the delayed announcement?

In a clandestine revelation, Lara’s confessional stated that she feared being Mahesh’s doubles partner, as it meant, performing the famous heart-wrenching ‘Lee-Hesh’ ‘chest bump’ after every volley won. To watch it on T.V. while sipping a health drink is one thing, but on the field, especially with a madman fuming with pride for ones’ nation, it’s one ridiculously insane act. PERIOD. What if the silicone implants get permanently distorted like what happened to Sania Mirza? No, it’s definitely not her cup of herbal tea.

Thus, it took a while for Mahesh to convince Lara, who decided to nod in approval only when a pleading Mahesh recited his wedding vows in filmy style.

“I, (Mahesh), take you (Lara), to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold (without any chest bumping) from this day forward, for better (Martina Hingis) or for worse (Rakhi Sawant), for richer (Neeta Ambani), for poorer (again Rakhi Sawant), in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

P.S. When asked, Rakhi was very much excited to do the chest bumping thingy along with anyone except Mika Singh, sources said.

Sunday, September 19

Heights of Selfishness!

Two schools of thoughts are vying with each other - - for my attention, which is usually followed by rationalization and giving them a logical conclusion.

Recently, I had come across reports that violence has flared up in Congo. In this month’s GQ mag, I came across a letter to the editor where the reader had written about an article that was published in an earlier edition of the mag. The article “Congo: The Horror” written by Ed Caesar.

I did a quick Google search and got the article, but what impressed me was that situation in Congo was given print space in one of the elite magazines’. My enthusiasm was however, short-lived as I wondered how many people would really care (as most of the people subscribing to this magazine would be the upper crest of the society). Then reality struck me; even if the above mentioned article had appeared on the front page of all the leading Indian dailies’, nobody would have cared. Even if someone did, what could they do? There is enough crap in our own homes, why worry about somebody else’s crap?

What Congo needs is action. What is being done right now is not enough. Empathy, pity and care are nothing but feelings that soothe our guilt of inaction and their contribution towards solving / finding a solution to Congo’s problem, is ZERO. However, there are people who have set up camps decades ago, dedicating their lives to helping the people (by setting up aid and medical camps) of Congo. We need more of them, very badly.

I am tired of writing about the inhumane horrors the fighting in Congo has brought about. You can do a Google search and read for yourself. But what caught my eye was that men are now being raped in Congo.

I had read some where that “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Right now there are very few good people who are doing their bit, but they are powerless to bring about a change. Change is what the people of Congo need.

The colored people had played their part in the revolution that saw slavery being abolished and racial discrimination being made unlawful. But what I do not understand is why this racial discrimination is being perpetrated by the colored people on their own kind.

It reminds me of a line spoken by the protagonist in the movie “Hotel Rwanda” where he laments that the ‘whites’ have abandoned them to their fate cause they are nothing but dirt to them (whites). In the case of Congo, the world has abandoned it. Nobody cares about what is happening in one of the poorest countries of the world. Let them die. They are nothing but cockroaches. Apparently, it is good for us that these cockroaches are killing each other as the world becomes a better place to live in with fewer roaches.

Now about things more local in nature, I saw our Honorable Chief Minister, on TV, allotting crores’ of rupees at the drop of an hat, to build memorials, for two noted film and theater / music personalities who had recently passed away. I cannot comprehend how the CM can allot crores’ of Indian rupees for memorials. That is criminal waste of the taxpayers’ (our) money.

There are far more pressing issues at hand to deal with and that require such sums of money. Is there no one to question the rationale behind such idiosyncrasy? Why are we letting this happen, unless this is nothing but a gimmick and everybody is in on it, except me?

In another part of our country, another Chief Minister is on a mission to erect statues of her mentor, party symbol and of course, her statues all over the state; all at the cost of thousand crores plus to the exchequer. The law has somewhat woken up and put a halt to it, but there are strong indications that the government will get away with it. Substantial amounts of money have already gone down the drain.

I did not realize that India is such a RICH country. We spend billions to satisfy petty whimsical notions that do nothing but assuage the egos of such ministers. Lots of Indians are getting onto the Forbes’s Billionaire list. But, when you go deeper, it hits you like a Shatabdi running on nitrous. We are selfish. I might be wrong, but I read somewhere that India is a country that has the largest number of billionaire’s (includes both legal and illegal). Yet, we are a poor country, still stuck with the tag “developing nation”. I have been hearing that since I was a small kid. We have billions to erect statues and build memorials, but we do not have money to build proper roads, public sanitary facilities and put in place an efficient public transport system. I am not even going to bother to talk about the corruption that has saturated our lives.

In both cases, of Congo’s and ours, we have accepted it. The people of Congo are used to the violence as generations have born and died under the umbrella of war, accompanied by the violence that is unique to the region. We Indians, we have accepted it, cause we are so selfish. We go to work, earn money, take care of our family and enjoy life. We do not worry about our neighbors and friends, apart from the show of concern. How many people go out of their way to help out? Very few. What about complete strangers. We certainly do not give a shit about them, do we? Why the hell should I worry about them? I have got enough to worry about – my job, my family, etc. That is why we have Governments. Is it not? To take care of the welfare of the citizens as a whole. And what is the Government doing? It is taking care of itself. Nobody cares. Complains fall on deaf ears. Life goes on…..

Sometimes I wonder, whether India would become as lawless as a Congo or a Somalia. But if such a thing were to happen, I wish it would happen after my time. Long after I am dead and gone. See, I am selfish!

But wait. Can we change? Is there hope for humanity? Will the world awaken and bring about a change in Congo? Will India get rid of corruption and become a transparent, peaceful and an honest country to live in. I certainly hope so. Do you know why? I am SELFISH!!!

Thursday, September 9

Obama's Fear of the Darkness a.k.a. Outsourcing!

Jittered by the sight of Indo-Pak duo Rohan Bopanna & Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi continuing to make history at the US Open, reaching their maiden grand slam final, top seeded Bryan Brothers approached President Barack Obama, in an incognito summit, to put a halt to their winning streak. Obama was more than happy to oblige ever since he had a 'big time' complex with the Bollywood hunk John Abraham’s butt.

Consequence: OHIO BANNING OUTSOURCING

Reasoning: Discouraging the creation of jobs & profits in other countries will aid in hindering the progress of the developing nations, rendering them poor, fighting for survival!

“i.e. death of tennis, chess, soccer and snooker in the subcontinent. We no longer need to be afraid of the likes of Vishwanathan Anand, Paes/Bhupathi pair or even Pankaj Advani/Geet Sethi for that matter. Beware! Don’t stifle them in Cricket, yet. Then they may think of championing in other sports. Let them play cricket till we build up a ‘National Team’. By that time, even the stalwarts like Sachin & Sehwag will hopefully retire and hence winning wouldn’t be that difficult. Yes, We Can!” said an elated Obama after the hardcore threesome brainstorming session.


He also came up with a blinder of a speech by modifying some verses from Marianne Williamson’s book ‘A Return to Love’ saying, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is those third-world call centers who take our jobs away. It is our darkness (Precisely when it’s daytime for Indian call centers), not our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in every Americans (Screw the rest!). And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same (But don’t let those ‘Indian Slumdogs’ come up in life). As we are liberated from our own fear (outsourcing), our presence will automatically screw others and compel them to write their own epitaph.”


Tuesday, September 7

Help! I have transmogrified into an AP pickup.


I was lost in the world of 3D TVs and back-to-school deals for the past couple of months and was really looking forward to this Labor Day weekend.

Alas, my hopes of relaxation and fun over the three day weekend was horribly shattered as I came down with fever, cough and cold; also, add sore throat to that mix.

Yesterday, the last day of the extended weekend, was the worst. I had this really high temperature fever running throughout the night and had slipped into an incoherent and a hallucinating dream where I had become a pick-up of an AP article.

Yes, you read that right! I had become one of those innumerable, ubiquitous, pain in the *** pick up of an Associated Press article. In my dream, I was somehow transported into the world of online news, where the AP was the dictator and everybody else were nothing but pickups / repeats of the AP. I had lost my identity and was fighting against the corrupt dictator – the AP. However, unlike the endings in movies where the hero always wins, I was losing the battle and was on the verge of becoming an expired link / URL. And yes, unlike in movies, there was not beautiful damsel that needed rescuing either. Damn! That is so sad; pathetic actually, because it is my dream.

Then I woke up, with relief streaming through my whole body, that I was no longer an AP pickup. On the downside, my body was really sore and did not feel like getting out of the bed, I guess all that fighting had drained my energy.

The funny thing though is that I don’t remember the heading of the AP article.

That really tells me that it is about time I take a break long break. In fact, one is in the pipeline already. Just need to get it approved by the “powers that be”.

Media monitoring is really getting under my skin these days, with people quitting and their work being unloaded onto the existing employees heads; painfully slow pace of hiring replacements; working overtime which means that past couple of months I have been working on accounts / projects for free! cause the company does not pay for overtime.

It is a crazy world of media monitoring and we being crazy media analysts……. you get the point, right?

Thursday, September 2

Wikipedia Going Glocal !


In a bid to localize the global content, the Wikimedia Foundation added Wikiglocal to the list of projects in its kitty. In an exclusive interview, Executive Director, Sue Gardner, discussed the changes in the industry and the reasons that lead to this transition. “Wikimedia is funded primarily through donations by hundreds of thousands of individuals, but also through several grants and gifts of servers and hosting,” said Ms. Gardner. “There are a lot of disputed territories, practices and customs in this big, bad, ugly world which may be pristine to ones eye while deeply flawed to another’s. Thus 'Wikiglocal' is a tailor-made platform which helps in synthesizing this information thereby giving customized knowledge to those scoundrels who wants it that way!”

In short, you may find 'Arunachal Pradesh' as an integral part of India when viewed from the subcontinent while it may be named 'Xinxaou' province if some Chinese views it from Mainland China. Similarly, if a Pakistani wants to go(ogle) 'Sania Mirza', they will be graciously directed to 'Sania Malik’s' page (see pic). Same goes for Jesusama – Believe it or Not!